Danny Weidler is one of the worlds premier sports journalists. Danny regularly breaks the news that sets the agenda for a number of sports, and is always a step ahead of the opposition. Sydney Sun-Herald readers will be familiar with Danny from his inside-back page gossip column, The Last Word and League fans will also know him from Channel 9. Danny also reports on the Hammersmith Hills Hoists events, player news and gossip. Danny has been doing this since the clubs inception at the start of 2009. If you have any stories or gossip on the Hills Hoists or its members please don’t hesitate to contact Danny on hillshoistsrlfc@hotmail.co.uk ____________________________ Danny Weidler Report 2010 ____________________________ London finance worker accused of taking 50 photos up women's skirts
Manager of the Walkabout Adam Franks said “Its unacceptable, I don’t want them sort of idiots in my bar, he will never be allowed in here again..” After a protracted investigation, detectives have charged Pretaretos with 50 counts of committing an indecent act.
 Another off field incident for Swanson
This is not the first time the Rockhampton backrower Swanson has been involved in an off field incident with a teammate since joining the club. A source has revealed to me that he has been caught up in a love triangle with a female Aussie ex pat and a Hoists teammate, with the young lady apparently a regular at club parties and the Hoists Fulham Palace Road headquarters. The 3rd person is yet to be revealed but it is interesting to note that captain Dujon Jorgerson is leaving the club, having played his last game on Saturday. In a strange twist the young lady in question is a former flame of injured second grade captain coach Ben Clarke. Watch this space.
Daniel (forgotten what love is) Partridge will never forget his old flame.
Information has come to me from some very reliable
sources that Mr Partridge not so long go was a man on the verge of
taking that big step towards happiness with his partner. The love and
commitment started with Danny suggesting that he get a photo of him and
his girl (we will call her Fran for privacy reasons) put onto his credit
cards. Now at first his mates seemed confused about this decision, but
Danny was quoted in saying '' boys i love this girl very much and want
to spend the rest of my life with her, so what's so wrong with having a
photo of the two of us on my credit cards''. After the dust had settled
the boys were happy to let Danny be in love and were very supportive. EXCLUSIVE – Wayde ‘Chalk-bones’ Kelly loses fight with Oyster machine
The footage shows a shirtless Kelly (aka Potato) trying to insert a 'blue swimmer' Australian ten dollar note into the Oyster machine. After the machine did not recognise the foreign currency, Kelly proceeded to verbally abuse the machine before striking out at it with his right arm. It then shows a London Underground staff member trying to calm Kelly shortly before police arrive on the scene. Kelly, grasping at his right arm is then escorted away by police. This isn’t the first time a Hills Hoists player has falsely claimed an injury was sustained as a result of football. A fortnight ago, number 14 Ben ‘Webber’ Clarke complained of rib cartilage damage sustained at training only for it to be revealed that the injury was a result of aggressive foreplay by his then mistress. The incidence of these ‘off-field’ injuries is a real concern to coach’s Paul Farah and Luke Leslie Wiggins ahead of the summer months.  A frisky Australian has caused mayhem after stalking women in the London Borough of Hammersmith and Fulham
Female residents in the Borough have complained that the animal has been lurking and making its intentions very clear. The Hammersmith and Fulham News gave the problem front page attention under the headline "Horny Roo Stalks London Women". "It seemed a bit odd, but I continued walking and didn't think much about it. Then on the return walk he was there waiting for me," she said. "He started circling me. There was no doubt about what he wanted, the randy old thing - it was quite intimidating." It also been known to stalk on the 295 and 220 bus services, that run through the Borough. Tanya Wilson said: "I thought it was strange that an Australian would come to such a noisy place. "There I was having a nice chat to him when I heard others calling out to me, warning me to step away," the mum-of-three said. She added: "I didn't take any notice of them because I didn't think I had anything to worry about - I thought he was just friendly Aussie."  Brown Bear Walker out of hibernation
Former Hills Hoists player and founding member Justin 'Brown Bear' Walker, who went into hibernation back in 2009, has been spotted. The former barn storming back rower was sited in a remote forest on the outskirts of Forbes, in the central west of NSW earlier this year. It is believed that the Brown Bear has reformed and done away with his love addiction of the odd caramel tart and can of Foster’s for the healthier life style in an attempt to be the first brown bear to compete at the Olympics. Brown bear was quoted saying, "I gave up the caramel tarts (smokes) late November and have been off them for 2 ½ months now, which is good. Hopefully I don't fall back into the old habit and I think I should be pretty right this time (17th attempt) around. I am as keen as ever to stay off them and have been getting right into my fitness. I’ve been doing a couple of 14 km jogs (misses follows me in the family wagon with the honey pot) and I am building up to the 2012 marathon which is only another 28 km’s (should be right!!). I have cut down my drinking as well, as I was just sick of either being hung over or tired and spending my weekends on the couch at 204a watching CSI or Law and Order. I am going to try and not have a beer until my 31st birthday on the 20th March in order to give myself a real chance to feel healthy and get the bear record”. The former 95kg back rower is a shadow of his former self, as training in the bear suit in + 40’ degree heat has stripped the weight off him. Some say he is the next Steve Mona-Spaghetti and will look to take Steve’s spot in the Australian Olympic team for the London 2012 Olympics. Brown Bear said, “I have done some great training back in the days, when I was training in America in 2008 I smoked 130 packets of Peter Jackson’s in less than 90 days, and that was in very hot condishies”. The Hills Hoists have offered to sponsor the Brown Bear and help him come out of Hibernation and to snatch that pot of honey, I mean Gold at the finish line in London 2012. _______________________________________________________________________________ Sex addict has had to move out of London The Danny Weidler can report that the notorious West London dairy farmer, who bedded 31 women last year, has turned to therapy to cure his urges.Benjamin, 26, has spent hundreds of pounds looking for lovers after running out of ladies to squire in the the West London Boroughs. He said: "I could be spending hundreds of pounds a night partying and attacking women with my catch and relese method but it just doesn't work anymore" "When there were no more women left in town who would sleep with me with I spent a fortune on taxis going further afield to such places like my Saffa girlfirends house" He said his constant string of DNFs in 2010 has left him depressed. Ben went to psychotherapist Chris Peach to help him beat his addiction. Chris, a former playboy, settled down his wild ways midway through 2009. Oriental Peach said: "Sex addiction can be a problem for both s.exes. I was seeing one intelligent woman of 25 who had 127 partners in six months." "She could not stop herself despite the risks. But now I have moved on and found love with someone else. One partner for the rest of my life, the way it should be" Benjamin, 14th man of the year 2009, has slammed the UK's treatment of s.ex addiction in comparison to the US. Married golfing star Tiger Woods, 34, recently went into s.ex rehab after a string of alleged affairs. Ben said: "I am no top golfer but addiction to s.ex has seen me ruin relationships and friendships. "People treat it like a joke but it's a real problem." He is currently undergoing Drought relief therapy at the 204a Love clinic. _______________________________________________________________________________ Gourmet grub gives cows something to ruminate after farmer walked out on them Addicted to farming . . . Ben Clarke checks on his girls, reliant on feedlot fodder rather than grass after he deserted them back in 2008. ''I enjoyed growing grass. The fact that dairy cows can turn grass into liquid milk still blows my mind after 8 years. Those girls work so hard in that paddock,'' says farmer Ben Clarke. However, right now, he is unable to grow edible grass. His 30 sleek Holstein Friesian ''girls'' are being hand-fed an expensive cow-gourmet mix of wheat, canola and distillers' grain in a concrete feedlot at a cost of about 34 cents for every litre of milk they produce. Mr Clarke otherwise known around West London as, DNF or Webber, gets about 45 cents a litre from National Foods for the milk produced on his Central West farm, but adding in all his costs (Walkie, SLUG and farking sluts), he is operating at a loss. Milk, he points out, is mostly water, and that precious drop is what is missing from this equation. Until October 2008 he was able to irrigate his pastures with water from the Lachlan River, which runs past his 18-hectare farm near Cowra. But lack of rain and upstream demand on its flow have left him with no choice but to desert his much loved flock and head for the bright lights of London, where he is regularly seen cheating on his flock back home with Cows of another Variety. However, 2010 has seen a slow start and some would say the river bed is dry, Webber declined to comment however a spokes person for Webber, Danny Partridge the weak ar*e fag, has advised the Herald that he has applied for some Kevin 07 drought relief. Mr Clarke used water from a bore, wondering how long it would last. He paid $24,000 (transferred from one of his 17 bank accounts) for a new water pipeline in March 2008 to make the bore system more effective. Mr Clarke, 26, says of the local water crisis: ''I’m not a smart man, but a lot of it is climate and a lot it is human use.'' _________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Wongy gets is wong In late breaking news the Hills Hoists foreign correspondent Mark ‘Wongy’ Diprose has had a few problems getting the shipment address correct for shipping of the 2010 playing kit. The HHHRLFC emailed Wongy late last week asking him how the new playing kit was coming along and he replied. For some reason dispatch cant get the order to clear can you check your shipping address below - Accupunture & Massage 204 Fulham Ripping Road X89QX After reading the shipping details it became apparent to the HHHRLFC that the Foreign Correspondent has clearly been out doing far too much four balling. When asked to comment, Wongy said; ‘This is the tiredest I have ever been, hhhooooohhh sorry boys’. Wongy just after a four baller with his cousin Roady. Hopefully the HHHRLFC forgeign correspondant can manage to contain his love affair with four balling and not fall asleep standing up at his acupunture love bar in Beijing, China.  ______________________________ Danny Weidler Report 2009 ______________________________
Armstrong saves the Hoists
Rugby League is a way of life for Mick Armstrong. Some say he was born with a football in his hand. How he would have got his hands on a football while still in the womb remains a mystery, but it would appear the young ARL Development Officer can still produce a miracle ball. When Mick received a distress call from the Hoists saying that they had arrived in Belgium only to discover the country only had Rugby Yawnion Footballs he acted quickly and dug into his resources to somehow get half a dozen League balls to the stadium just in time for kick off, narrowly averting the game from having to be abandoned. In a press conference this week Mick said "I love League and have dedicated my life to promoting it. If I could bottle my ability with the right palm I would have sent that too. I'm no hero and I don't ask for any rewards for all the work I have done. However, if the Hoists ever get a game in Rome I hope they could drop in and see the Pope and push for me to be sainted for the miracle delivery of the footballs." ______________________________________________________________________ Weidler Report Receives Letter
The Wielder report this week received the following letter regarding our very own president, Chris Rushon. Looks like he has a secret weapon we haven't been exploiting as effectively as we can. Dear Danny Weidler, It's great to see rugby league taking off in West London and on a personal note it's even greater to see one of my ex-students playing an integral role in the club.I'm not sure whether you have heard of me or not, but I coached your club president Chris "Crusher" Rushton in the Muswellbrook under 14s touch football in the late 1990s. Chris was a prodigious touch talent as a teenager and a valued member of our team and leadership group at the State Cup carnival at Penrith in 1998. I have no doubt Chris' leadership experience in his youth helped him adapt to the top job at the HHH RLFC. I'll never forget "Crusher's" first training session when I welcomed him to the representative ranks. I vividly recall our first conversation as I handed him his first pair of rep socks. "Congratulations Crushmyster!", I said. Then shaking my hand and maintaining eye contact with yours truly "Crusher" replied, "This is the big time brother I won't let you down, follow me and I will lead us to victory!".
And lead he did, normally with his chin which I have no doubt is "Crusher's" best physical attribute. In fact that protruding bone in his lower jaw is the reason he christened himself with the nickname "Crusher". He used his chin as a weapon, it was like a Rhinosaurus horn. So many times I witnessed opponents foolishly put one on his chin, you would never see a hand shatter so quickly.It was frightening stuff and I'm glad he was on my side. If Crusher was in a fight he wouldn't even raise his arms in defence or throw a punch he'd simply "chin butt" the oncoming fists. Apart from being handy in a stoush that rock solid chin also helped the lad run fast. When used correctly it served as an air cutting tool that definitely helped with his ground speed. Form slumps were rare for "Crusher" but when he was out of touch it was easy to identify the problem which was always related to his head position. When "Crusher" had his head down and chin up he'd build up so much momentum and at times he was simply unstoppable. However by the same token a simple glance to the side could bring it all undone, "Crusher" could be gliding across the turf in open space and someone from the crowd would yell out "DeCaprio" inviting him to turn his chin causing a loss of balance which would stop him dead in his tracks. It was like he'd been gunned down by a sniper. For a good 12 months we couldn't get him to keep his head still so I took him for a few special training runs at one of the horse studs in Yours in sport "The Chin doctor" Muswellbrook under 14s boys touch football captain coach 1997 _______________________________________________________________________________
Mediterranean Romance
A current high profile Hills Hoists player has been caught in a love triangle with a former housemate from the Hammersmith Hostel and an Australian girl from _______________________________________________________________________________
Models Inc. Murray Newman
The Wielder Report can confirm that Hills Hoists assistant coach Murray Newham was spotted in front of the snap happy photographer at a modelling agency earlier this year. From all reports, Muzz has decided that modelling is not only his best avenue to make some real cash here in the
_______________________________________________________________________________
Another DNF for Webber
The Hills Hoists's resident dairy farmer and part time F1 Driver, Ben 'Webber' Clarke, certainly experienced some tough times last season, with the ever frustrating drought and his continual failure to finish a race. But after he started this years season, without his long-time co-driver, Garbo in Team Hostel, the willing front rower was finding success in the milking shed, and on the track, much easier in 2009. Webber was firing on all cylinders from the first flag and was soon making regular visits to the podium, most notably a 40 second victory in
Mr Cricket, Chris ‘Ziggy’
_______________________________________________________________________________
Chopper Wins Cheese Rolling
Lazy front row forward and part-time
_______________________________________________________________________________
Who’s Eating Garbo’s Grapes?
One of the founding members of the Hills Hoists, Matthew ‘Garbo’ Cameron has recently attempted a move into the lucrative wine growing industry. However, the Danny Wiedler report has discovered that things aren’t all rosey in
_______________________________________________________________________________
Out with the Bear in with Teddy
The Hammersmith Hostel which houses many Hills Hoists players was shocked to find a teddy bear in Ziggy Barletts room early last week. Fellow Hills Hoists players have noted that Bartlett has been spending a lot of time alone in his room. When the Danny Weidler report contacted Barlett all he had to say was ‘I miss a certain girl and boo boo makes up for my continual fretting’. Rumours at the Wasps training ground are rife that the former employee of cloud nine, is planning on taping boo boo under his jersey for games as he cant stand to be away from her. The hostel has recently got rid of one love sick bear can it handle a teddy lover? _______________________________________________________________________________ Oriental Peach
The Hills Hoists man about town, Chris ‘chopsticks’ Peach, has told the Danny Wiedler report about his lifelong fascination with chopsticks. Peach claims that a recent night out in Hammersmith reignited his passion for the oriental implement. The cutlery enthusiast said ‘I just think they are great you can throw them around, wrap them around your head and still get a good meal out of them’. Peach said he is always on the look out for chopsticks in
_______________________________________________________________________________
Wongy wants to stay in the UK
In a last-ditch effort to extend his stay in the
_______________________________________________________________________________ Return of the rednut
Hoists HQ is bracing itself for the pending return of fiery redhead, Luke Wiggins. The fanta has been absent from the Old Dart since late 2007, but is returning with the hope to don the Hoists jersey and to “king” anyone in his sight. This is coming from a bloke who was told by a referee: “I would’ve sent you off but you didn’t hit him hard enough.” Little does Wiggins know is that he’ll be resigned to peeling oranges and running out as the Hoists’ mascot each weekend
_______________________________________________________________________________ Walker kidding himself
Meanwhile, Justin “Panda” _______________________________________________________________________________
The Witchdoctor Mitch Rodway has credited his rapid return to the Hoists from injury to the cutting edge rehabilitation techniques used by Dr Woodgate and Kenny 'Witchy' Sattler, of the team's medical staff. Rodway, who tore the muscle and tendon of the talus bone in his ankle while trying to put his boot on, was back on the paddock later that day after being administered a radical new treatment known as a 'ballkoozie' at the doctors' recommendation _______________________________________________________________________________
Fingered
The Hoists have been plagued by a spate of finger injuries at training, with key players Chris Peach and Joel Crouch recently damaging their digits. There are two possible conclusions:
OR 2. It appears the players took a request from head coach Paul Farah to 'pull their fingers out' literally, resulting in severe dislocations and lacerations. The boys are expected to make full recoveries under the watchful eyes of Dr Woodgate and the Witchdoctor Kenny Sattler. |
Make a Free Website with Yola.
